Bad Girl’s Tricks for Writing with Kids ~ Melodie Campbell, September 20

IN THE WRITING TRENCHES: Rules for Moms

Okay, these are not the definitive rules for Writer-Moms. I would never claim to be an expert. But I did raise two kids while writing stand-up on the side and penning a syndicated humour column every two weeks. So I learned a few things about survival along the way.

Bad Girl’s Tricks for Writing with Kids:

1. Probably you shouldn’t lock yourself in the bathroom, so the kids can’t get at you. Equally, you shouldn’t sit inside the playpen with your kid on the outside, screaming and shaking the thing. Okay, at least not more than once a day.

2. Never put a full package of Twinkies in front of a toddler so that you can continue to write. (Remove them all from the plastic wrappers first so the kid doesn’t choke.)

3. A kid won’t die if they drink half a mug of cold coffee. But watch the wine. In fact, you might want to finish the bottle right now so there is no risk.

4. Other kids’ birthday parties are a great thing for a writer. But you really should pick up your own kid when they’re over. (Eventually. Before winter.)

5. It’s okay to get someone to babysit your kids while you move into a new house. But it’s not okay to forget to tell anyone where that house is.

6. When your kid leaves home for university, it probably isn’t smart to immediately change their room into a study or writing room. Wait until after Christmas. The sales are better.

Re “Leaving the nest”: An emotional time for all. But probably you shouldn’t do it until your kids are grown up.

Melodie Campbell has been called “Canada’s Undisputed Queen of Comedy.” She writes funny books.